Journey Through the Planets Read online

little rest. We will be cruising to Saturn and frankly there isn’t very much to see right now except empty space, so the Captain will be dimming the cabin lights to allow you to rest. Thank you!

  (lights dim)

  (after a few moments, a red light illuminates two figures on the stage)

  72: Tell me why we’re doing this again?

  73: For the thrill. For the glory!

  72: Thrill and glory for stowing away on a star cruiser? And on a pretty banged up one at that.

  73: We will have a story that we can share with our kewpies and their kuspids and to be passed down for generations!

  72: Will the story ever have food in it? I’m hungry!

  73: Again? You just ate some Mercury Greens.

  72: One burned out leaf! Stuck to the boot of Bozox does not constitute a meal! Plus, I burned my hand while getting it.

  73: Make sure the story makes note of all of your complaining.

  72: Make sure you don’t mention how we set off the smoke alarm while using a toothpick to get that piece of Mercury Green out of my tooth.

  73: Shhh! Someone’s coming! Hide!

  (72 and 73 run offstage)

  (The Steward and Jury enter)

  Steward: Do you think there’s any truth to the rumors about Pluto?

  Jury the Cruise Director: I never pay any attention to rumors. What rumor?

  Steward: You mean you haven’t heard it?

  Jury the Cruise Director: I never pay any attention to rumors. What did it say?

  Steward: That Pluto is considering leaving it’s orbit and becoming a second moon around the Earth.

  Jury: Not that I care since I never pay any attention to rumors but, why would Pluto do that?

  Steward: Pluto is really upset over this “no longer a planet thing”.

  Jury: Wow! I mean, who cares? But wow! I’ve got to get me a new surfboard.

  Steward: Pupule. (Hawaiian for crazy).

  Jury: Are we going to continue going to Pluto after this trip?

  Steward: Nope. Pluto has been taken off the list since it was declassified as a planet.

  Jury: Pu iwa! (surprise)

  Steward: Well, how would you feel if one day you were one of 9 and the next one in a million?

  Jury: Umm…mahalo?

  Steward: What?

  Jury: It’s the only other Hawaiian word I knew.

  Steward: Shhh..don’t wake everyone up.

  (Jury and Steward walk off)

  First Officer Kahoutek: Ladies and Gentlemen we are approaching Comet KooKooKaChoo. Passengers with bypass tickets should be in line for the transfer. We will be back to pick you up upon completion of the comets circuit so if any passengers are interested in taking a side journey please see the Steward for tickets.

  (Bring and Brang rush out)

  Bring: We’ll go! We’ll go!

  Brang: Me too! Me too!

  Steward: Fine. The price of a ticket is 35 Shamus, each.

  Bring: What?! That’s too much for a short trip on a comet.

  Steward: Short is a relative term. The entire circuit will take 376 years.

  Brang: That’s all? For 35 Shamus?

  Steward: Each.

  (Jury walks on)

  Bring: Jury! How much is a tailcomb worth?

  Brang: With a box?

  Jury: The estimated price listed was 72 Shamus, plus shipping, which was 1288 Shamus.

  Bring: (To the Steward) If we win it and give it to you, will you let us board?

  Steward: Would that include the box?

  Brang: Of course!

  Steward: What about the extra 2 Shamus?

  Bring and Brang together: Upgrade!

  Steward: 1st class then! With a chair and a towel.

  Bring and Brang: Yay!

  Jury: Do you have everything on the scavenger list then?

  Bring: Almost. We have an Arturus tail flake!

  Brang: A dynofur button.

  Bring: Atapod Snout grease!

  Brang: Lemonite fingernail.

  Jury: That’s almost it. But, you seem to be missing the smelly shoe from an earthling. Sorry!

  Bring and Brang: (sobbing and crying).

  Bring: Wait a minute! There’s earthlings onboard this ship sleeping here right now!

  Brang! That’s right! One of them is bound to have a smelly shoe!

  Bring: Hurry!

  (Bring and Brang rush into the audience and smell around the feet of several members before Bring arrives at the chair where a hidden shoe has been placed. He pretends to remove it from the audience member in that chair and holds it up.)

  Bring: I’ve got it!

  Brang: Is it smelly?

  Bring: Is it ever! Smell!

  (Brang sniffs the shoe)

  Brang: Whoa! My eyes are bleeding! Quick! Give that horrible thing to Jury!

  (Bring rushes the shoe to Jury)

  Bring: Is this smelly enough to win?

  Jury: (gagging) Ack! Get that away! You win! You win! Please get that out of my face!

  (Bring rushes it back to the audience member)

  Bring: Here you are. I feel really sorry for your socks.

  (Bring and Brang celebrate as they exit)

  Captain AckAck: Ladies and Gentlemen we will be docking at Titan soon for a brief stop. As we travel through the rings of Saturn we ask that you turn off your cellphones. The additional cacophony is more than we can bear.

  (ringing sounds)

  Steward: Ladies and Gentlemen. We will be serving a light snack at this time. This is especially fulfilling for those of you from the Planet Midnight, this light snack consists of a 12 volt everready with a pink tinted filter for seasoning. Please open your sensor ports if you wish to partake of this light snack.

  (Steward moves through the audience shining a flashlight into some members mouths)

  First Officer Kahoutek: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a quick space jump to Io now.

  72: Where?

  Steward: Io.

  73: Hi-yo!

  (both 72 & 73 laugh uproariously)

  Steward: Io. It’s one of Jupiter’s moons.

  Jury: Attention everyone! Normally at this time of the trip I would try to get someone interested in playing a game of shuffleboring, I mean board. Since no-one ever plays I have an exciting alternative this trip. Joining the space cruise at Io…

  72 & 73: Hi-Yo!! (laughing)

  Jury: at Io (glaring at 72 & 73) is a very special passenger, who has agreed to perform for us, since he didn’t have enough money for a ticket all the way to Pluto. Please welcome one of the original Jokers from Jupiter, who’s been featured in Who’s Who in the Cosmos, that halfway hilariously funny comic wit, Jacksun Orbitpun!

  (Spotlight on Jacksun as he enters)

  Jacksun: Hi-yo!

  72 & 73: Hi yo!

  Jacksun: What a great crowd. Give yourselves a hand. Here take one of mine!

  (pulls out a hand from under his coat)

  Jacksun: Here sir. You need this way more than I do.

  (hands it to the Steward, then pulls it back)

  Jacksun: Wait a minute. First I have to write something on it.

  (pulls out a pen and writes on the hand as he speaks)

  Jacksun: 2 + 2 = 4. There.

  (gives the hand back to the Steward)

  Jacksun: Now, it’s a hand with a sum. Hand sum…..handsome! Get it!

  (laughs crazily)

  Steward: That’s not very funny.

  Jacksun: Oh my. Sorry Steward. I didn’t mean to offend you. Let me make it up to you. Did you know I do imitations?

  Steward: Do you?

  Jacksun: Do you?

  Steward: Oh haha. Very funny.

  Jacksun: Oh haha. Very funny.

  Steward: Stop that!

  Jacksun: Stop that!

  Steward: That’s not imitating me, it’s just
being a copycat!

  Jacksun: That’s not imitating me, it’s just being a copycat!

  Steward: If you stop, I’ll give you a Shamus?

  Jacksun: If you stop, I’ll give you 8 Shamus?

  Steward: 2 Shamus!

  Jacksun: 2 Shamus!

  Steward: 3 Shamus!

  Jacksun: 3 Shamus!

  Steward: 4 Shamus!

  Jacksun: 4 Shamus it is! (takes money) Something funny happened to me on my way to the spaceship. This nomadic drifter from the planet Warfox came up and asked me what you call four Quamlops in a sinkmire? I said kimi-manu.

  (silence)

  Jacksun: Is there anyone from Warfox here?

  (silence)

  Jacksun: These cruiser gigs are really rough. So where are you from? Anyone here from Earth?

  (some applause)

  Jacksun: Ahh, great. So this nomadic drifter from Earth comes up to me and asks me what you call four bullfighters in quicksand? I said quatro sinko.

  Jacksun: You sure you’re from Earth? One more. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

  Jacksun: What has four legs, is big green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table!

  Jacksun: Maybe there’s some scientists here? Two atoms are talking. One atom says “I think I lost an electron?” The other atom “Are you sure?” First atom “I’m positive!”

  Jacksun: On the last ship I performed on I spent most of the trip riding on the elevator. Definitely had it’s ups and downs.

  Jacksun: Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here until Pluto!

  (walks offstage, walks back on)

  Jacksun: Thank you very much! You’re too kind! Thank you! Thank you!

  (walks offstage- walks back on)

  Jacksun: This is too much! Thank you! Really! Stop it! Stop it! Wow!

  (walks offstage- Jury rushes over and pushes him off as he tries to come out again)

  Jury: Jacksun Orbitpun ladies and gentlemen! Now, wasn’t that better than shuffleboard?

  (Security Chief U rushes onstage)

  Security Chief U: Excuse me Jury.

  Jury: What is it Security Chief U?

  Chief U: We have had an unauthorized break-in. It seems like there has been a boarding party of the protest group PPBAAPABTWILAP.

  Jury: The PPBAAPABTWILAP group? What does that stand for?

  Chief U: It stands for “Put Pluto Back As A Planet And By The Way I’d